As I adjusted to having a toddler at home, I struggled with a tremendous sense of failure both as a wife and as a mother. Looking back, I wish that someone had said to me, It's ok. Everyone goes through this phase. It's adoption shock. So here I am, writing in hopes that someone stuck in the failure and fear stage will read this blog and hear me say - It's ok! You are normal! It's just adoption shock and you will come through!
Comparing Culture Shock and Adoption
In the table below I've taken the causes and stages of Culture Shock, along with a quote associated with each, from the book Anthropological Insights for Missionaries and added an adoption comparison from my own experience. The book raises the point that the severity of culture shock largely depends on an individual's personality and I'll assume the same for adoption. Your reactions may not be the same as mine! The list is long, but I do hope that seeing the causes, symptoms, and stages of culture shock will help as you find your way with your new family.
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Culture Shock
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Adoption Shock
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Causes of Culture Shock
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Language Shock
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“Suddenly, as strangers in a new world, we are stripped of our
primary means of interacting with other people. Like children, we struggle to
say even the simplest things, and we constantly make mistakes.”
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Isaiah was just under 2 years old when he moved home with us. Much of
the time I didn’t understand what he wanted and this led to much frustration
for all of us. I simply hadn’t known him long enough to understand his
toddler talk.
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Changes in Routine
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“Life during the first year in a new culture is often a struggle
simple to survive. All our time seems spent in cooking, washing clothes,
marketing, and building or repairing our houses. No time is left for what we
came to do.”
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Going from full time work to full time mother was a huge transition.
Not only that, but everything took three times as long to do with a toddler in
tow. Just eating breakfast became a 45 minute ordeal. I seemed to end up
rushed and late for everything.
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Changes in Relationships
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“Added to all this is our loss of identity as significant adults in
the society. In our own society we know who we are because of offices,
degrees, and memberships in different groups. In the new setting our old
identity is gone.”
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Going from managing my department at work, confident and fulfilled in
my job, to being a stay at home mommy turned my sense of identity upside
down. No longer surrounded by friends and colleagues, I became desperate for
relationships.
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Loss of Understanding
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“When our knowledge repeatedly fails us, we become desperate, for our
lives seem to be careening out of control. In the long run, it is the sense
of meaningless arising out of this confusion that can be the most damaging
consequence...”
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Soon after moving home Isaiah began to have hour long tantrums
several times each day and also night terrors. I tried everything I could,
but nothing seemed to make any difference. It truly felt as though my life
was careening out of control.
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Emotional and Evaluative Disorientation
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“We feel guilty because we cannot live up to our own expectations. We
are angry because no one told us it would be this way and because we make
such slow progress in adjusting to the new culture.”
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After several months, the stress became too much and I decided to
return to work part time. Unable to cope at home as a full time mom, I felt
like a complete failure as both a wife and mother. These were by far the
darkest days.
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Symptoms of Culture Shock
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Rising Stress
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“In their first service year new missionaries have usually
experienced marked changes in their financial status, occupation,
geographical location, recreation outlets, church routine, social activities,
and eating habits.”
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Going from two happily married and content individuals to a family of
three was extremely stressful. Our income reduced while expenses increased,
our home was turned upside down, and all energy was spent on our new son.
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Physical Illness
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“One common consequence of high stress is physical illness. Among the
more common sicknesses caused by prolonged stress are chronic headaches,
ulcers, lower back pain, high blood pressure, heart attaches, and chronic
fatigue.”
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I developed chronic headaches and fear of Isaiah melting down and tantruming
at any moment left me anxious and panicky.
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Psychological and Spiritual Depression
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“The most serious consequences of stress are often depression and a
sense of failure. We are overwhelmed by constantly having to face confusing
situations….there is little time for leisure…our support systems are gone…we
do not dare admit weakness…”
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Depression looming, I returned to work for a break for me and in
hopes that Isaiah would benefit from daily interaction with other children at
preschool. Looking back, I’m not sure how I would have made it through this
stage without some type of separation from the stress.
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The Cycle of Culture Shock
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The Tourist Stage
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“Our first response to a new culture is fascination…This honeymoon
stage may last from a few weeks to several months, depending on the
circumstances.”
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Isaiah moved home and I felt like the most blessed woman in the
world. My child, whom I’d longed for and dreamed about, was finally home!
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Disenchantment
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“This stage marks the crisis in the disease. How we respond to it
determines whether or not we stay…Another process, however, is also at work
during this stage, one we hardly notice. We are learning to live in the new
culture.”
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This phase lasted about 6 months, with me returning to work in the
middle of it. Work became my break and before long I was looking forward to
spending time with Isaiah and able to handle his tantrums (and my attitude)
in a much more constructive manner.
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Resolution
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“The emergence of humor often marks the beginning of recovery…Culture
shock is not simply an experience to be endured…it is, in fact, one of the
most significant and formative periods…it is a time when we are “bonded” in
one way or another to the new culture.”
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I don’t remember the exact day, but it certainly was a turning point.
Isaiah began to tantrum over something silly and Ben started to laugh saying
something along the lines of, “Why are you crying about that?” I laughed too
and slowly stopped seeing every behavior as the end of the world.
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Adjustment
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“The final stage of culture shock comes when we feel comfortable in
the new culture. We have now learned enough to function efficiently in our
new setting without feelings of anxiety. We not only accept…but actually
begin to enjoy…we cherish…and we begin to feel constructive in our work.”
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And here we find ourselves! I love the words the author uses – accept,
enjoy, and cherish. Isaiah’s behaviors (which are very much improved) no
longer leave me fearful and anxious. I am a full time mom again, but this time
loving having my son home with me. Perhaps the best part is the realization
that, having made it through, I want to do it all again with another child!
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