Thursday, June 5, 2014

Culture Shock: Top 10 Reasons I'm Losing My Mind

Three months into our first term in Papua and the roller coaster ride of emotions can leave me feeling like I'm about to lose the plot completely. The books and experts say I've got Culture Shock, that it's normal, rarely fatal (ha!), and usually takes a couple years to run its course. So while I wait and process my strange new life, why not write a Culture Shock Top 10?

Disclaimer: Whether rational or not, these are my real feelings. So if they seem selfish and betray a misguided sense of missions, well, yes. My rational mind agrees with you. Meanwhile my emotions are out swinging from the chandelier.

Here we go, Top 10 Reasons and the emotions that follow them...

1) My new town is a lot more developed than I expected.

You wouldn't think this was a bad thing, would you? But when I arrived and realised there is a mall with a large grocery store right in the middle of town, I felt a sense of shame. Shame because 'real missionaries' (whatever the heck that is) aren't supposed to serve in developed places.

2) There are a LOT of missionaries here. Like, hundreds.

"Reaching the Unreached" that's our agency's slogan. And working with the world's least served communities is what our hearts beat for. So when I realised just how many other missionaries are here I felt a sense of disappointment. Disappointment that the front line is so crowded.

3) No matter how big I smile, a lot of people don't want to sit next to me in the taxi.

And sometimes, they won't even get in the taxi if they see us. It's weird and like so many other things, I don't understand it. I'm frustrated by it.

4) I came to minister to their needs, but I'm pretty helpless so they minister to mine.

Friends drive across town to pick me up and take me places. They help me with language and cheer me on even when I mess up. They send me encouraging texts nearly every day with Indonesian proverbs like: No tough sailors emerge from a calm sea. Similarly no tough and true leader emerged from a situation without problems. Local friends minister to me and I feel so encouraged. 

5) Dog and cats aren't neutered. 

Perhaps this seems strange to add to the list, but with the heavy emphasis back in the US on spaying and neutering, this really was a surprise. Dogs and cats are generally considered outside animals and allowed to roam the neighborhood. All these animals walking the streets 'intact' leaves me with a sense of fear. 

6) Papua is a cultural melting pot with many people coming from all over Indonesia.

The diversity of tribes here is astonishing. The majority of the people living in our town are migrants. It actually feels a bit like living in Florida where nearly everyone is born somewhere else. With everything new around me, this feels a bit like being home.

7)  I hate studying the language with my husband.

This sounds harsh, but it's true and important so makes the list. Although we've enjoyed working together in the past, studying together is immensely frustrating. We learn differently and progress at difference speeds. I hate studying with my husband and I feel like a bad wife.

8) I can't cope with as much as I thought I would be able to.

I've prepared for living cross culturally for years, but I still can't cope with as much as I thought I would be able to. And when I'm frustrated by something little that my brain tells me is ok but my emotions are freaking out over, I feel stupid.

9) I can cope with much more than I thought I would be able to.

Sometimes the opportunity for melting down is so big and obvious. Like the power being out on a 100+ degree day and Ben trying to take a nap and Isaiah is having a tantrum and the kids from next door are all peaking in the windows to see what the screaming is about and the puppy pees on the rug and then bites my feet. Yet somehow I manage to retain control and it all just rolls off my back and I feel brave.

10) My local friends have very important things to say. And their advice is good.

My friends don't just encourage, they advise me. And their advice is good. Even with all of my training, reading, researching, and talking with other expats, I wasn't fully prepared for living cross culturally. Although I try to keep an open mind, I still have a western mindset. So when my local friends give advice on things like how to live as a Christian in a culturally and religiously diverse community in a majority Muslim country, I take their advice seriously. They are excellent teachers and I am a willing student. And their wisdom leaves me so grateful to be here.

And there you have it. Feeling shame, disappointment, frustration, encouragement, fear, at home, like a bad wife, stupid, brave, and oh so grateful to be here. Culture Shock in a nutshell. The same books that diagnose me say talking about it and feeling understood is a big part of the cure. So thanks for listening. How do I feel now? Relieved. And that feels pretty darn good!


This week at Velvet Ashes others are sharing their personal Top 10 Lists, so head on over and check it out!

18 comments:

  1. Popped over here from the Velvet Ashes link-up and saying a prayer for you now, sister. I so know how all of that feels and the shame that comes with feeling like you're struggling, but props to you for sharing how you're feeling, finding things to be grateful for in the midst of the hard, and pushing through it. His power is made perfect in weakness (ouch and amen).

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  2. Thanks Rachel, Appreciate your kind words and prayers. I'll get there, it's a wild, bumpy, adventurous ride, but I'll get there!

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  3. Oh, sister. You are understood. This is all so very relatable. You are not alone. After spending years preparing, planning and dreaming, you get to the field loaded with so many expectations. Then the moment when you realize this is SO much harder than you ever imagined. Yep.

    Love that you were able to process, share and find some relief. You ARE brave. I catch many glimpses of hope and promise here. Prayers and big hugs to you!

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    1. Expectations can be such killers. Even when warned not to try to have any!

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  4. Very related, honest and true. Those feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate and bewildered by all things around you in a place you now call "home" can really get to you. I appreciated what you shared - reminds me that I'm not the only one who can get this way and that is reassuring. :)

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  5. Even after all these years, there are still things I hide because of a sense of shame. "House help?" as I change the subject. I bet many people reading this were like, "yup, yup, yup." And will be praying for you :) and accepting you where you are! (p.s. here from VA)

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  6. Anisha, I so appreciated your post linked up with Velvet Ashes! I am a year in to this overseas life and I was blessed by your honesty. I want to often be the "strong" overseas worker that doesn't admit when something is hard or uncomfortable or I really just want Starbucks coffee and I have to leave the country to find it. Thanks for leading the way in sharing openly and letting us be part of the journey with you! Sarah

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    1. I know, right? Who sold us on the whole "strong" overseas worker deal anyway? And I miss Starbucks too!

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  7. You continue to say things that I have felt in the first 2 years overseas. Thanks for sharing :) I especially relate to #1 and #2 here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I love how you show that your mind and emotions are not always in agreement! Totally true.

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    1. Yes, #1&2 are my biggest too. Thanks for stopping by and reading :)

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  8. you are heard and affirmed that everything you are feeling is normal! and honestly, some of these will go away and reappear months later when you thought you finally crossed that mountain. i can promise you one thing - it DOES get better! accept the grace of Jesus and that you don't have to be the perfect wife and missionary. You just have to follow Jesus.

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    1. Thanks Whitney. Encouragement appreciated :)

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  9. No.7 I'm with you there... and on many of the others too!!! x x x Beth

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  10. So what did you guys end up doing? We have a new plan in place now to study 'next to' each other so we can both progress at our own pace. Hoping this will help!

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  11. I really really love this post, well, I really love many of your posts :)! Would you mind me sharing it later on in the year on our church Facebook page? Though it's for people moving to our city I think many of the points will resonate with many people! Blessings and thank you so much for sharing!

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    1. Of course! Glad it resonated with you. Feel free to share :)

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