It's Not Just About The Going

The statistics scare me. According to the research in  "Too Valuable to Lose" by William Taylor, nearly half of all career missionaries (47%) will leave their work within the first 5 years. For the majority of them interpersonal relationships with other missionaries will be the primary reason. Statistics aside, I've seen this happen to friends and experienced the grief of broken ministry relationships for myself. Are we really willing to subject our family to such odds? 

Here at Elim it's missions emphasis week. We've enjoyed incredible speakers who are doing God's work all over the world. Men and women who are drilling wells in Uganda, caring for orphans in Kenya, working with university students in China, and every other imaginable ministry. This morning we heard from Pastor Dick Dreyer who has missions experience in over 50 countries including 10 years in Iran. Over and over students and church members have been challenged to "Pray, Give, and Go".

At the end of the Saturday night meeting the speaker invited anyone who wanted to say "Yes, I'm willing to go" to pray at the alter. I watched as college students walked forward to pray and to open their hearts to seriously consider overseas ministry. As the first few went forward I thought back to my own "yes" prayer. I was 16 years old and on a week long trip to Mexico with my youth group. One evening in a small Mexican church, profoundly moved by all I had experienced that week, I too approached the alter and poured out my heart in prayer.

Now, sixteen years later and on the verge of leaving for Papua, I prayed "Lord, you know I love you. And you know I love to go." In the midst of that prayer I hear in my heart, "Yes, but will you stay there for Me?" And I'm up out of my seat joining those at the alter. Realizing it's not just about the going. It's also about staying.

Mexico. Playing with children who forever changed my view of the world.

Culture Shock and the Adoptive Mom

"Cultural Differences and the New Missionary", the title of chapter three in our Cultures and Customs class text book, may as well been called "Adoption Shock and the New Mom". The stages of culture shock described were mirror images of the attachment process I'd been going through as a new adoptive mom. As I read through my homework I thought, Why didn't the social workers and adoption books explain it this way? It makes so much sense!

As I adjusted to having a toddler at home, I struggled with a tremendous sense of failure both as a wife and as a mother. Looking back, I wish that someone had said to me, It's ok. Everyone goes through this phase. It's adoption shock. So here I am, writing in hopes that someone stuck in the failure and fear stage will read this blog and hear me say - It's ok! You are normal! It's just adoption shock and you will come through!

Comparing Culture Shock and Adoption

In the table below I've taken the causes and stages of Culture Shock, along with a quote associated with each, from the book Anthropological Insights for Missionaries and added an adoption comparison from my own experience. The book raises the point that the severity of culture shock largely depends on an individual's personality and I'll assume the same for adoption. Your reactions may not be the same as mine! The list is long, but I do hope that seeing the causes, symptoms, and stages of culture shock will help as you find your way with your new family.

Culture Shock	Adoption Shock
Causes of Culture Shock
Language Shock
“Suddenly, as strangers in a new world, we are stripped of our primary means of interacting with other people. Like children, we struggle to say even the simplest things, and we constantly make mistakes.”	Isaiah was just under 2 years old when he moved home with us. Much of the time I didn’t understand what he wanted and this led to much frustration for all of us. I simply hadn’t known him long enough to understand his toddler talk.
Changes in Routine
“Life during the first year in a new culture is often a struggle simple to survive. All our time seems spent in cooking, washing clothes, marketing, and building or repairing our houses. No time is left for what we came to do.”	Going from full time work to full time mother was a huge transition. Not only that, but everything took three times as long to do with a toddler in tow. Just eating breakfast became a 45 minute ordeal. I seemed to end up rushed and late for everything.
Changes in Relationships
“Added to all this is our loss of identity as significant adults in the society. In our own society we know who we are because of offices, degrees, and memberships in different groups. In the new setting our old identity is gone.”	Going from managing my department at work, confident and fulfilled in my job, to being a stay at home mommy turned my sense of identity upside down. No longer surrounded by friends and colleagues, I became desperate for relationships.
Loss of Understanding
“When our knowledge repeatedly fails us, we become desperate, for our lives seem to be careening out of control. In the long run, it is the sense of meaningless arising out of this confusion that can be the most damaging consequence...”	Soon after moving home Isaiah began to have hour long tantrums several times each day and also night terrors. I tried everything I could, but nothing seemed to make any difference. It truly felt as though my life was careening out of control.
Emotional and Evaluative Disorientation
“We feel guilty because we cannot live up to our own expectations. We are angry because no one told us it would be this way and because we make such slow progress in adjusting to the new culture.”	After several months, the stress became too much and I decided to return to work part time. Unable to cope at home as a full time mom, I felt like a complete failure as both a wife and mother. These were by far the darkest days.
Symptoms of Culture Shock
Rising Stress
“In their first service year new missionaries have usually experienced marked changes in their financial status, occupation, geographical location, recreation outlets, church routine, social activities, and eating habits.”	Going from two happily married and content individuals to a family of three was extremely stressful. Our income reduced while expenses increased, our home was turned upside down, and all energy was spent on our new son.
Physical Illness
“One common consequence of high stress is physical illness. Among the more common sicknesses caused by prolonged stress are chronic headaches, ulcers, lower back pain, high blood pressure, heart attaches, and chronic fatigue.”	I developed chronic headaches and fear of Isaiah melting down and tantruming at any moment left me anxious and panicky.
Psychological and Spiritual Depression
“The most serious consequences of stress are often depression and a sense of failure. We are overwhelmed by constantly having to face confusing situations….there is little time for leisure…our support systems are gone…we do not dare admit weakness…”	Depression looming, I returned to work for a break for me and in hopes that Isaiah would benefit from daily interaction with other children at preschool. Looking back, I’m not sure how I would have made it through this stage without some type of separation from the stress.
The Cycle of Culture Shock
The Tourist Stage
“Our first response to a new culture is fascination…This honeymoon stage may last from a few weeks to several months, depending on the circumstances.”	Isaiah moved home and I felt like the most blessed woman in the world. My child, whom I’d longed for and dreamed about, was finally home!
Disenchantment
“This stage marks the crisis in the disease. How we respond to it determines whether or not we stay…Another process, however, is also at work during this stage, one we hardly notice. We are learning to live in the new culture.”	This phase lasted about 6 months, with me returning to work in the middle of it. Work became my break and before long I was looking forward to spending time with Isaiah and able to handle his tantrums (and my attitude) in a much more constructive manner.
Resolution
“The emergence of humor often marks the beginning of recovery…Culture shock is not simply an experience to be endured…it is, in fact, one of the most significant and formative periods…it is a time when we are “bonded” in one way or another to the new culture.”	I don’t remember the exact day, but it certainly was a turning point. Isaiah began to tantrum over something silly and Ben started to laugh saying something along the lines of, “Why are you crying about that?” I laughed too and slowly stopped seeing every behavior as the end of the world.
Adjustment
“The final stage of culture shock comes when we feel comfortable in the new culture. We have now learned enough to function efficiently in our new setting without feelings of anxiety. We not only accept…but actually begin to enjoy…we cherish…and we begin to feel constructive in our work.”	And here we find ourselves! I love the words the author uses – accept, enjoy, and cherish. Isaiah’s behaviors (which are very much improved) no longer leave me fearful and anxious. I am a full time mom again, but this time loving having my son home with me. Perhaps the best part is the realization that, having made it through, I want to do it all again with another child!

"What you doin' Mommy?"

"What you doin' Mommy? What you doin'?" my inquisitive son asks a little too loudly as he scrambles up the chair beside me. Small hands reach forward and grab my cheeks, pulling and pinching my face until we are eye to eye, foreheads touching, "What you doin' Mommy?"
 
We were in chapel and I had noticed the girl at the end of our row crying during worship. My heart went out to her and I wanted to encourage with a soft hand on the shoulder and kind words spoken in prayer. But life is different now with my bouncy little boy dancing and clapping to the music beside me. Any encouragement I could offer this stranger would be seconds short and awkwardly interrupted. Looking around to the people standing near I had hoped someone would see her.

But no one else does. They are lost in worship while she cries alone.

Knowing I will only have a few seconds I walk to her, reach out, and begin to pray. I feel her shoulders slump and shake with deep sobs.

Little hands now grabbing, pulling, my prayer interrupted. "What you doin' Mommy?" Isaiah asks."I'm praying for this lady. Do you want to pray for her too?" He decides he will and smiling says "Pray this lady. Amen."


I walked back to my seat a bit disheartened that I couldn't spend longer praying with this girl.

A little later that day I spotted the activity book that I'm using with Isaiah. The title is "Teaching Children to Pray." The arts and crafts projects Isaiah and I had done together that week were all on based on a portion of James 5:16 "Pray for each other".

And then I see it, cleverly disguised hypocrisy hiding in plain sight. I want to teach my child to pray, but am not willing to do so other than by books, coloring pages, and bedtime prayers. Is this really what prayer is? Or is prayer connecting to God's heart and living by what you see and hear from Him? And if this kind of prayer, the kind that moves you to the end of the row to comfort a stranger, is the kind of prayer I want to teach, shouldn't I include my son?

Admittedly, this approach is difficult to manage, but I am willing. As I review next week's activity topic "He Cares for Me" I pray, Lord, bring opportunities to live this with Isaiah. Awkward or not, I want him to see and hear you in the everyday. 

The $50 Grocery Budget Challenge

Years ago, when we first arrived to Florida for Ben to start flight training we were quite short on money. Our only income was my $9 per hour 35 hours per week job as a customer service rep at the airport where Ben flew. During that time I used to say the dollar menu at McDonald's was a major financial decision. In many respects it was.

Endeavoring to live within our means, we set a $50 per week limit for groceries. By groceries I mean toiletries, cleaning supplies, food, everything. My work schedule was such that I had 3 days off each week. I'd spend one day planning out my purchases and the next day cooking and freezing meals. I admit there were many times I'd go to the grocery store and lust strawberries or any other luxury items we simply couldn't afford. There was just no way I could spend 10% of the week's grocery money on a box of berries, no matter how mouth watering.

In recent years I haven't given any thought to my grocery bill. Advancing through the company to a manager position and Ben gaining employment meant we had more than enough to live on. I'd buy whatever I fancied and didn't worry about coupons, sales, or whether I could afford organic.

As we arrived this week to our new home for bible college, unemployed and living on the generosity of others, we've reassessed the areas we spend. Groceries is one of my easiest places to go over board so we've established a $50 per week grocery budget challenge. Don't worry, I won't resort to feeding my family rice and beans (unless of course it's Huevos Rancheros which we gobbled up for dinner tonight! Spanish eggs, rice, black beans, and salsa. Yum!).

Part of the budget challenge is to make sure I am still serving healthy, well balanced meals. Of course if I need to spend more than $50 to feed my family then I do it. And it'll be ok to splurge for strawberries should one of us really want them! The idea is to purchase what we need/will consume each week. We want to avoid impulse purchases and buying that extra box of elbow noodles because it's nice to have on hand and I can't remember if I have one at home already....you get the idea.

Yes, it takes work to successfully plan a $50 week. I am grateful for our earlier years when I learned to plan, shop, and cook on such a budget by absolute necessity. And this week? I've purchased the fixings for 5 dinners and all we need for lunches and breakfast. Total bill so far is  $43.16. What's on the menu? Tuna melts and tomato soup, cheesy pasta with carrots and green beans, loaded baked potatoes, Huevos Rancheros, and Gypsy toast with British style baked beans. I need two more meals for under $7. I'm thinking chicken curry and chili with corn bread. The challenge is on!  

Blankies and Bible School

In the rush to either give away, ship, or stuff into our car every single belonging we have, I really didn't care what happened to our blankets. "Just throw them away" I told my husband. Although soft and comforting, the blankets we'd used each night for the last who knows how many years, were quite worn. With a few holes and dingy spots they certainly didn't belong in the giveaway pile.

I went back to cleaning and sorting, not caring what would become of the blankets. In the last two weeks I had left a job that I loved after 8 years, went on a week long church mission trip, and came home to a manic week of sorting out our life before we would leave for bible college and ultimately for Indonesia. At the point we were discussing blankets, I was too preoccupied with the mountainous task ahead of us to care.

With the help of many volunteers we were able to accomplish everything necessary and vacated our apartment on time. As we packed up the final items into the car my husband Ben stuffed the blankets in the window area behind the back seats. Shaking my head I opted not to say anything. Obviously blankets were more important to him than to me.

We had decided to take a week to drive from Florida to the bible school in New York, planning to stop for a couple days in DC on the way. We always talked about seeing the capital and this seemed like the last chance to do so, at least for a long while.

Arriving at our new apartment I was quite pleased to see that the unit was larger than I anticipated. Nicely, but not overly, furnished I was excited to start this new chapter in our lives. That evening, tired from driving and unpacking, I climbed into my new bed and pulled up the comforter. "My love" I said, "I want my blankets." He pulled our soft, worn blankets onto the bed and I fell into an easy sleep.

Of all the belonging I brought, my blankets turned out to be the most comforting. Strange how such a little thing can mean so much when in the midst of change.