"Don't Worry. Kids are Adaptable."

3:59 this morning I awoke to the sound of my son crying in his bed. "What's wrong, Isaiah?" I ask stroking his hair. "I'm sad. Sing a song with me." comes the quiet reply. After a quick trip to the potty we snuggle back in bed and I sing our own little song, "Mommy loves you, loves Isaiah, Papi loves you, loves Isaiah..." His eyes close slowly and sleep returns.

In the last 10 months our family has visited 5 different countries, traveled by car and plane over 4,000 miles within the US, and now live out of suitcases in our fourth home. We've made many wonderful memories and new friends in our journeys. Still, adventure loving or not, my little one craves and needs routine and stability just much as any other child. So what's a Papi and Mommy to do?

We start by considering how we would want Isaiah to remember his childhood when he is grown. We want him to look back on these years with great fondness and to develop a lifetime love of other cultures and people. We want him to grow up with the conviction that how he lives matters and that he can have a tremendous impact for good in the world. We want him to see and trust God in every facet of life. We want Isaiah to know deeply that we are in this together and that what he feels, even as a three year old, matters.

So we attach at the hip and include our little guy as much as possible in everything. We give opportunity for independence, but do not demand or expect it. We recognize the behavior pattern insecurity brings when moving to a new place and use informative and reassuring words, loads of cuddles, and quality time to keep it at bay. We admit that we are sad and miss our friends too. We pray together multiple times throughout each day.

Often, well meaning people remark, "You don't need to worry about Isaiah. Kids are just so adaptable." My thoughts? Yes, kids are adaptable, but I don't want Isaiah to just adapt. I want him to thrive.

God's Greater Story: More than Beauty

Like many other girls, I long wished my body was more closely aligned with our culture's standard of beauty. Wishing my thick, dark brown, wavy hair to be thinner, lighter, and straighter. My dark brown eyes to be green to blue. I've wished for defined cheek bones and straighter hips.

The church's response to the culture emphasizes to young women that we are uniquely made and beautiful in God's eyes. A few years ago I read a book by a christian author that instructed readers to stand naked in front of a mirror and thank God for each part of their body. Yeah, that didn't fix anything for me...I have listened as churches, inspirational speakers, books, Facebook posts, even Lady GaGa (!), all in unison declare: "I'm beautiful in my way 'cause God makes no mistakes".

There I was, amid all this womanly hurrah, still lost in dissatisfaction with my body.

It wasn't until recently that I realized "uniquely beautiful" is only a very small part of what it means to be fearfully and wonderfully made. God's greater story is at work in my body.

It's happened too many times to count. Once, at my job, an Egyptian mistook me for being Egyptian. At a restaurant the Indian waiter mistook me for being Indian. A friend's Peruvian mother mistook me for being Peruvian. I have been assumed to be Guatemalan, Italian, Mexican, Pakistani... and each time, with a laugh, I say, "No, I'm from Texas!"

Yes, God's greater story is at work in my body. I have a God given purpose to minister to people of other cultures and He has crafted my body in such a way that I am easily accepted. No added barrier of being "foreign" with blue eyes and blond hair. My body is uniquely, beautifully, purposefully made.

Consider the blind man in the bible about whom Jesus said, "This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And Queen Esther, whose physical beauty captivated the King, and she saved her people, the Jews, from annihilation. Consider Eric Little, the Scottish runner whose story is told in the movie Chariots of Fire, who said "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." I know of a surgeon who says the same things about his steady hands. And then there's Nick Vujicic, born without arms and legs, who ministers to millions all over the world. 

I marvel at God's greater story. He gifted me with talents, desires, and a purposefully created body all working together for one intent - to display and to be God's love in the world in such a way as only I can. 
 

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are Your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand — when I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:13-18

  

It's Not Just About The Going

The statistics scare me. According to the research in  "Too Valuable to Lose" by William Taylor, nearly half of all career missionaries (47%) will leave their work within the first 5 years. For the majority of them interpersonal relationships with other missionaries will be the primary reason. Statistics aside, I've seen this happen to friends and experienced the grief of broken ministry relationships for myself. Are we really willing to subject our family to such odds? 

Here at Elim it's missions emphasis week. We've enjoyed incredible speakers who are doing God's work all over the world. Men and women who are drilling wells in Uganda, caring for orphans in Kenya, working with university students in China, and every other imaginable ministry. This morning we heard from Pastor Dick Dreyer who has missions experience in over 50 countries including 10 years in Iran. Over and over students and church members have been challenged to "Pray, Give, and Go".

At the end of the Saturday night meeting the speaker invited anyone who wanted to say "Yes, I'm willing to go" to pray at the alter. I watched as college students walked forward to pray and to open their hearts to seriously consider overseas ministry. As the first few went forward I thought back to my own "yes" prayer. I was 16 years old and on a week long trip to Mexico with my youth group. One evening in a small Mexican church, profoundly moved by all I had experienced that week, I too approached the alter and poured out my heart in prayer.

Now, sixteen years later and on the verge of leaving for Papua, I prayed "Lord, you know I love you. And you know I love to go." In the midst of that prayer I hear in my heart, "Yes, but will you stay there for Me?" And I'm up out of my seat joining those at the alter. Realizing it's not just about the going. It's also about staying.

Mexico. Playing with children who forever changed my view of the world.

Culture Shock and the Adoptive Mom

"Cultural Differences and the New Missionary", the title of chapter three in our Cultures and Customs class text book, may as well been called "Adoption Shock and the New Mom". The stages of culture shock described were mirror images of the attachment process I'd been going through as a new adoptive mom. As I read through my homework I thought, Why didn't the social workers and adoption books explain it this way? It makes so much sense!

As I adjusted to having a toddler at home, I struggled with a tremendous sense of failure both as a wife and as a mother. Looking back, I wish that someone had said to me, It's ok. Everyone goes through this phase. It's adoption shock. So here I am, writing in hopes that someone stuck in the failure and fear stage will read this blog and hear me say - It's ok! You are normal! It's just adoption shock and you will come through!

Comparing Culture Shock and Adoption

In the table below I've taken the causes and stages of Culture Shock, along with a quote associated with each, from the book Anthropological Insights for Missionaries and added an adoption comparison from my own experience. The book raises the point that the severity of culture shock largely depends on an individual's personality and I'll assume the same for adoption. Your reactions may not be the same as mine! The list is long, but I do hope that seeing the causes, symptoms, and stages of culture shock will help as you find your way with your new family.

Culture Shock	Adoption Shock
Causes of Culture Shock
Language Shock
“Suddenly, as strangers in a new world, we are stripped of our primary means of interacting with other people. Like children, we struggle to say even the simplest things, and we constantly make mistakes.”	Isaiah was just under 2 years old when he moved home with us. Much of the time I didn’t understand what he wanted and this led to much frustration for all of us. I simply hadn’t known him long enough to understand his toddler talk.
Changes in Routine
“Life during the first year in a new culture is often a struggle simple to survive. All our time seems spent in cooking, washing clothes, marketing, and building or repairing our houses. No time is left for what we came to do.”	Going from full time work to full time mother was a huge transition. Not only that, but everything took three times as long to do with a toddler in tow. Just eating breakfast became a 45 minute ordeal. I seemed to end up rushed and late for everything.
Changes in Relationships
“Added to all this is our loss of identity as significant adults in the society. In our own society we know who we are because of offices, degrees, and memberships in different groups. In the new setting our old identity is gone.”	Going from managing my department at work, confident and fulfilled in my job, to being a stay at home mommy turned my sense of identity upside down. No longer surrounded by friends and colleagues, I became desperate for relationships.
Loss of Understanding
“When our knowledge repeatedly fails us, we become desperate, for our lives seem to be careening out of control. In the long run, it is the sense of meaningless arising out of this confusion that can be the most damaging consequence...”	Soon after moving home Isaiah began to have hour long tantrums several times each day and also night terrors. I tried everything I could, but nothing seemed to make any difference. It truly felt as though my life was careening out of control.
Emotional and Evaluative Disorientation
“We feel guilty because we cannot live up to our own expectations. We are angry because no one told us it would be this way and because we make such slow progress in adjusting to the new culture.”	After several months, the stress became too much and I decided to return to work part time. Unable to cope at home as a full time mom, I felt like a complete failure as both a wife and mother. These were by far the darkest days.
Symptoms of Culture Shock
Rising Stress
“In their first service year new missionaries have usually experienced marked changes in their financial status, occupation, geographical location, recreation outlets, church routine, social activities, and eating habits.”	Going from two happily married and content individuals to a family of three was extremely stressful. Our income reduced while expenses increased, our home was turned upside down, and all energy was spent on our new son.
Physical Illness
“One common consequence of high stress is physical illness. Among the more common sicknesses caused by prolonged stress are chronic headaches, ulcers, lower back pain, high blood pressure, heart attaches, and chronic fatigue.”	I developed chronic headaches and fear of Isaiah melting down and tantruming at any moment left me anxious and panicky.
Psychological and Spiritual Depression
“The most serious consequences of stress are often depression and a sense of failure. We are overwhelmed by constantly having to face confusing situations….there is little time for leisure…our support systems are gone…we do not dare admit weakness…”	Depression looming, I returned to work for a break for me and in hopes that Isaiah would benefit from daily interaction with other children at preschool. Looking back, I’m not sure how I would have made it through this stage without some type of separation from the stress.
The Cycle of Culture Shock
The Tourist Stage
“Our first response to a new culture is fascination…This honeymoon stage may last from a few weeks to several months, depending on the circumstances.”	Isaiah moved home and I felt like the most blessed woman in the world. My child, whom I’d longed for and dreamed about, was finally home!
Disenchantment
“This stage marks the crisis in the disease. How we respond to it determines whether or not we stay…Another process, however, is also at work during this stage, one we hardly notice. We are learning to live in the new culture.”	This phase lasted about 6 months, with me returning to work in the middle of it. Work became my break and before long I was looking forward to spending time with Isaiah and able to handle his tantrums (and my attitude) in a much more constructive manner.
Resolution
“The emergence of humor often marks the beginning of recovery…Culture shock is not simply an experience to be endured…it is, in fact, one of the most significant and formative periods…it is a time when we are “bonded” in one way or another to the new culture.”	I don’t remember the exact day, but it certainly was a turning point. Isaiah began to tantrum over something silly and Ben started to laugh saying something along the lines of, “Why are you crying about that?” I laughed too and slowly stopped seeing every behavior as the end of the world.
Adjustment
“The final stage of culture shock comes when we feel comfortable in the new culture. We have now learned enough to function efficiently in our new setting without feelings of anxiety. We not only accept…but actually begin to enjoy…we cherish…and we begin to feel constructive in our work.”	And here we find ourselves! I love the words the author uses – accept, enjoy, and cherish. Isaiah’s behaviors (which are very much improved) no longer leave me fearful and anxious. I am a full time mom again, but this time loving having my son home with me. Perhaps the best part is the realization that, having made it through, I want to do it all again with another child!

"What you doin' Mommy?"

"What you doin' Mommy? What you doin'?" my inquisitive son asks a little too loudly as he scrambles up the chair beside me. Small hands reach forward and grab my cheeks, pulling and pinching my face until we are eye to eye, foreheads touching, "What you doin' Mommy?"
 
We were in chapel and I had noticed the girl at the end of our row crying during worship. My heart went out to her and I wanted to encourage with a soft hand on the shoulder and kind words spoken in prayer. But life is different now with my bouncy little boy dancing and clapping to the music beside me. Any encouragement I could offer this stranger would be seconds short and awkwardly interrupted. Looking around to the people standing near I had hoped someone would see her.

But no one else does. They are lost in worship while she cries alone.

Knowing I will only have a few seconds I walk to her, reach out, and begin to pray. I feel her shoulders slump and shake with deep sobs.

Little hands now grabbing, pulling, my prayer interrupted. "What you doin' Mommy?" Isaiah asks."I'm praying for this lady. Do you want to pray for her too?" He decides he will and smiling says "Pray this lady. Amen."


I walked back to my seat a bit disheartened that I couldn't spend longer praying with this girl.

A little later that day I spotted the activity book that I'm using with Isaiah. The title is "Teaching Children to Pray." The arts and crafts projects Isaiah and I had done together that week were all on based on a portion of James 5:16 "Pray for each other".

And then I see it, cleverly disguised hypocrisy hiding in plain sight. I want to teach my child to pray, but am not willing to do so other than by books, coloring pages, and bedtime prayers. Is this really what prayer is? Or is prayer connecting to God's heart and living by what you see and hear from Him? And if this kind of prayer, the kind that moves you to the end of the row to comfort a stranger, is the kind of prayer I want to teach, shouldn't I include my son?

Admittedly, this approach is difficult to manage, but I am willing. As I review next week's activity topic "He Cares for Me" I pray, Lord, bring opportunities to live this with Isaiah. Awkward or not, I want him to see and hear you in the everyday.