Teething Pains

"So how's it going? You guys transitioning well?" A friendly expat I'd just been introduced to asked me.

"Well, we are angry and tired a lot of the time. I've started swearing. We don't understand most of what goes on around us and have to relearn even the most basic things. But the people are really nice and the food is good too."

She probably would have understood because she has been right where we are now, but it's still not really appropriate 'nice to meet you' conversation. So instead I gave the code words for oh man this is hard, "Pretty good. But, you know, we've got teething pains."

Teething pains. A tight smile and knowing nod. She understood the message loud and clear. "You guys will get there, don't worry." and the conversation moves on to kids and school and normal mom stuff.

It's a hard slog and the joy of making progress is all tangled up in pull your hair out frustration. But the thing is, it's frustrating for reasons I never would have expected.

Like envy.

When we were in Wamena and I stood in our future home thinking about how Ben would be out flying and saving lives, and that I would be at home with no specific role or glorious task, envy overwhelmed me and it wasn't nice at all.

What about me? Nice for Ben, he gets all the glory. It doesn't matter whether I'm here.

And here in Sentani, while Ben battles to put together four word sentences and make friendships, which come much easier for me, envy rears it's ugly head.

What about me? Nice for Anisha, this is easier for her. It doesn't matter how hard I try.

Envy. I hate it.

For the last decade, we have worked and supported each other so that we would one day achieve the goal of living and serving in a developing country together.

Envy has no place in together. So we link hearts and arms and kick envy in the teeth. We admit our struggles and frustrations and give preference to each other.

We stick together and conquer envy with love. And man, does it feel good. 

 

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Check out Velvet Ashes this week's topic is Marriage.

A Call to Mothers: Seeing the Hurt on Mother's Day

Greeters stood at the doors welcoming, hugging, and handing out carnation flowers to all the mothers. I tried to time my entrance, waiting until all the greeters were busy with other people so that I could slip past unnoticed, but sneaking into church is not so easy. More than anything on this Sunday, Mother's Day Sunday, I just wanted to be invisible.

photo courtesy fanpop.com

One lady saw me and handed me a flower. "But I'm not a mother", I said. "It's for the future" she replied with a warm smile. I took the flower, smiled in return and went in to find a seat. Hiding the flower under my bible I fought hard to resist the increasing urge to rip it to shreds.

The music started and that menacing flower opened up all kinds of hurt. The deep grief of miscarriage and the sickening pain of infertility. I couldn't take it any longer. Struggling to maintain composure I ran out of the church and down the street. Finding an isolated parking lot I sat down on the dirty cement, pulled my knees to my chest, and wept.

Amazing how much can change in only one year. This Sunday when I walk through those same church doors I'll do so holding my son's hand. But I won't do it naively.

Many men and women will come to church this Sunday and instead of finding a place of comfort and healing, will endure wounds opened all over again. Will we see their hurt? Or will we be caught up in flowers, cards, and celebrating ourselves?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”- Jesus (John 13:24-35)