The week leading up to our one month language evaluation I slipped into insecurity. The previous joy filled weeks learning Indonesian on our neighborhood streets quickly gave way to self doubt and Can I really do this? Maybe I'm really awful. What if I have to repeat unit 1? Oh man, I bet I am really awful at this. Look at all the mistakes I make! What will our agency think when they find out?
Insecurity and I have a long history.
"It's ok. Don't worry too much. I'm sure you'll do great!" words attempting encouragement spoken over and over again this past week. I wasn't feeling it.
The day of the evaluation came and I mustered as much confidence as possible. Here goes nothing. I thought as I headed into the room. Over the next two hours Ben and I took turns separately evaluated on conversation, pronunciation, writing, and comprehension.
In the wake of all my insecurity this week I am reminded that the battle against insecurity is not really about insecurity at all. It's about doubt. And the thing about doubt is it's not really about doubt, it's about fear. And the thing about fear is it has no place in my heart because: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
And all at once, I am free.